Extra delicious

I wrote this in November. Wow, it's been a very long time...

This post is brought to you by the letter X.

I'm very into letting go and moving on. I have a ton of thing pending at work and for grad school. Things that have and will continue to gobble up my attention and time. I know how to bring myself into focus: by paring down or letting go of anything extraneous. What does that mean? That means I'd rather have less, but more of what I love. I've been doing it with food and now I'm on to my clothing. I went through and got rid of everything that was too big for me or just didn't look fantastic. It just so happens it left me with only half a dozen items with XL on the tag-mostly college or grad school hoodies.

I'm donating two winter coats. I never realized that coats that are too big are basically worthless. I've been so chilly! I have one new coat (to replace the formal one) and need to hunt down a fleecy one to replace my north face. I'm also getting rid of my favorite piece of clothing ever, my electric periwinkle rain coat. That may get pulled from the piles last minute though.

I have 4 huge bags full, ready for good will. Ready to hang out in someone else's closet, making them feel as beautiful as they made me feel.

For cooking: chestnuts, cranberry sauce, hot pot with tempeh, seed cheese, broccoli with rice and any and all squash I can get my hands on.

For Thanksgiving, we are going to my aunt's, but my sister and I will be bringing our own meal: gluten-free pumpkin or squash pizza (with thyme and paprika and topped with carmelized onions, red peppers and olives), nori maki (veggies and avocado wrapped in seaweed) and gluten-free/ vegan pumpkin pie. In addition I'll be feasting on chestnuts and fruit. I'm volunteering at a food bank in the morning before our family dinner. It's the first time I've done so and I'm a little excited about it.

A love affair

I think that fall and early summer are every eaters' fantasy time. The berries of early summer and the soups, the cinnamon and the roasted vegetables of fall make me love it despite what it will give way to- icky and awful winter. This summer's key dish was ratatouille. This fall's is vegetable lasagna. I have made this at least seven times now and I never get sick of it because I change something every time. The 'noodles' are sliced summer squash, zucchini or eggplant. The filling is some mix of beans and/or nuts and herbs, slather on some sauce and pop in the oven for an hour. One week it was pesto-y, another it was walnuts and sage. So delicious.

Roasting root veggies and apples with the simplest of dressings make the fall marvelous. The blazing oven and the scent automatically dial down my stress level and place me in crisp Saturday morning strolls under canopies of crimson and orange.

A new obsession has sprouted from a recent trip to VA to celebrate my little cupcake's 2nd b-day and catch up with some college friends: Sichuan hotpot. We went to a place called Mala Tang because my friend Nels could find an amazing restaurant anywhere in the world. The hotpot is broth- pretty much liquid fire that they place on individual burners and you order what you'd like to poach in the pot. I loved it so much I spent days researching how to do it at home and have had it half a dozen times since. Ah-mazing. The best part of hot pot and fall is all of the lovely fresh greens (napa, kale, chrysanthemum) that I get to play with.

I love fall.

Modifications

I love to get rid of things. Old or ill-fitting clothing, bad recipes, useless kitchen accoutrement, streamers from high school dances; you name it, I'll toss it or donate it to charity.

I also have to get rid of goals that no longer suit me. I've been benched from running indefinitely, so that's off of the to do list. I'm keeping a tight ship around here, so no need to add massive cleaning spree to the list and my eating is coming into order. I've made plans for how to cope with the tight work and meeting schedule this fall and think I came up with something that'll be feasible.

It's called using the freezer and serving sized containers. I'm using Sundays to cook three to four meals and filling up a week's worth of containers to either lunch on or freeze for later lunching. So far so good. I'm also giving potatoes the boot this week. We'll see how it goes!

Vichyssoise and other things that sound fancy

I love my immersion blender. It's that one kitchen toy that even after months of owning it, I make up reasons to need to use it. I started drinking espresso again so I could make frothy coffee protein drinks with the immersion blender.

Anyone who knows me well knows that Sunday evenings are for creating a week or so worth of feasts. I make anything I'll be able to pack for lunch, start sprouting and do some veggie prep for anything else I might cook for a quick dinner. These cooking dates are incredible this summer! I love that almost every dish includes something from my garden and I love how instead of going from unhealthy omnivorous versions of recipes to unhealthy gluten and soy laden veg versions of them, I can swap out meat for beans, butter for coconut or olive oil and cream for coconut milk, a potato or a little patience. This simple yet fecund lifestyle is really appealing to me and I'm not ashamed to say that I'm proud of myself.

This past week, I've made three types of crackers/ crisps from the Thrive diet, carrot purée, summer squash purée, dal makhani, vichyssoise, ratatouille, greens and beans and chili. The freezer, my obsession with using the immersion blender and my belly are all satisfied.

I like making the big batches of purée and then seasoning each bowl I have differently: cumin, coriander and cardamom, turmeric and curry, ginger and nutmeg, adobo and fenugreek... They pop and keep me engaged and for that, I'm grateful.

Wall or mountain

I think a huge issue for me in food and life right now is perception. I don't feel like anything is coming easily to me. I feel like I'm on an obstacle course or fighting with everyone I come into contact with for the things that I need or treating me in ways that I think common decency should provoke them to treat me.

And in response, I've tried to treat them as well as I can convince myself and dug my heels into to fight and weather the rest. And once the dust has settled, I've berated myself for the way others have acted and for the fact I wasn't graceful enough. I've eaten perfectly vegan and soy and gluten free, but still managed to binge my way into a 4.5 pound weight gain.
I'm exhausted and tired of fighting y own reactions more than anything else).

What I need to remember is that every time there's a wall or a mountain in front of me, they aren't there to stop me completely. They're there to make me remember that I have a bunch of tools at my disposal and that I need to know how to use them and how to be grateful for their existence.

I'm spending an evening out and trying to get my head straight. I'll post what's been up in the kitchen when I'm more inclined to share the good stuff.

What's been cooking

I've made a pact with myself to bake my way through BabyCakes covers the classics this summer.

So far I've gotten through mint chocolate chip cookies, Irish soda bread, chocolate layer cake with raspberry preserves and chocolate sauce and hamentaschen. I'm going to outline the process over on cake30.blogspot.com when I get a chance.

Also cooking this week: grilled veggies, squash and artichoke paella and cucumber melon salad. I'm trying to narrow down what to make for my dinner date on Saturday night and think it'll be spring rolls and dipping sauce for appetizers, grilled veggies and saffron rice for dinner with a salad and some sort of cake for dessert. Either chocolate or lemon poppyseed with raspberry sauce. Not sure yet.

I'm enjoying getting back to baking and that the scale is still going down. I posted a pic below of a pair of shorts I haven't fit into since junior year of college and now they're big on me.

cracking the seed

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self, so therefore, trust the physician and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility. Kahlil Gibran

The remedy... The remedy is paying attention to what goes into my mouth. It's not losing track of the sundried tomatoes I'm scarfing as I fry potatoes. It's not wolfing the sweet-potato, sesame and garbanzo crusted vegan pizza without paying attention to what that mix and those veggies were going to be doing to the tummy. I've been doing a lot of strange mixing lately, none of it helped by my lack of motivation to drink my green smoothie in the morning.

My skin will look better, my tummy will feel better and my energy will be better.

A little knowledge that acts is worth infinitely more than much knowledge that is idle.

Below you'll find the veg pizza and some zucchini, tomato and avocado salad. Yum!

Fighting against or fighting with

I'm lucky to not be the only one in the family with food sensitivities. The curse of it is that when either of us is having a bad reaction (which happened a lot before we cut out the garbage) we are at each others' throats. This was ugly when we lived together.
The beauty of now is that we're on the same page and support each others decisions. While she's still at the stage where she really wants normal food, I completely understand that- I went from eating pizza for lunch three+ times a week to tomato pie and pizza frite binges and it's been four months since I've had pizza dough now. I know that I can make the veg version of it. I have Brendan Brazier's book and when I have three days to plan and two hours to blend and bake, his food is phenomenal. My issue with this and the opportunity I've found is that the rut and the hanging onto things that we think are a part of us is most of the problem. The great part: I have the blessing of being able to invite her over for a sibling cooking date where we eat, chat and I send her home with something new or a new favorite.
It's nice to have a partner in crime and it's been helpful in educating our enormous and very close family (who love parties and feeding everyone) of what we need or what we're going to be bringing along for for them to try.
The trickiness that's left is with dating. I've been to enough conferences and nights out with family and friends to know that most people love to either ask questions or judge what you're eating. I've become so accustomed to eating first if I can and ordering a salad with the balsamic cruet on the side that it's nothing for me...but what is he going to think? I'm on a diet. I'm a picky eater. I'm a snob?
Truth is, I've eaten things that very few people have eaten. That how many of the 100 foods to eat before you die thing on Facebook? I'm at over 90- beating the pants off of my friends. Why am I so worried about what some dude will think?

In the middle

I'm very tired today.
I've spent the last couple of weeks dealing with things that don't fit.
Clothing that was too big (yippee!) is in the trunk-some destined for the tailor and more for donation.
Some people have been told that they no longer have a seat at the table and some have been welcomed back in. I still have a few people micromanaging "for my own good" who are being politely reminded that it's my life, not theirs to live vicariously through.
Cleaning out mental and physical spaces... Adding and reconfiguring patterns that have been so entrenched for so long is full of emotion. I vacillate from anxious to excited to doubtful to committed to oh shit.
The petulant little kid in me who is digging in her heels against any of this is still angry that her vision for what my life should look like hasn't worked out. Despite the fact she never planned and never followed through. The pleaser in me can't believe my audacity for putting myself and my health and needs first. She wonders who I think I am. They're both punishing me. Awful food choices (chips, too many grains, to much fat, sugar and bingeing) have my body completely out of whack right now. I'm not sleeping at night, but can't keep my eyes opened after lunch. I'm snappish and I have had a series of stomach craps over the last few weeks that I've never felt before. They would say that me feeling awful is just a sign that I shouldn't be trying to change things. I disagree. If anything the upheaval means I'm doing something right.
The only question is how to stop the damaging behavior, because I don't know if I can outlast them.

Grrr... Tummy ache

I need to vetch.
I like conferences that do something. I'm not in effing high school and don't want to spend my free time at an effing rally.
I get super anxious when people waste my time.
I get even more anxious when they serve me stuff I don't eat after being told three times "soy-free, gluten-free vegan" and filling it out on my conference registration form. They slid me some soy today and now all I want is to curl up into a ball to relieve these stomach cramps... But I'm stuck at a grown up pep rally.
And dudes are sketchy. I want my bed and señor rana.

I'm grateful that I have a bed to go home to. I'm grateful that I can hop in the car and run to the grocery store on my way home from this conference. I'm thankful for good advice and intuition and being able to research natural tummy ache remedies.
Slapping on my happy boots and enjoying this evening.

Fitting in

Conformity isn't the enemy. It's a lack of awareness of both self and one's surroundings that is what we all need to surmount.

I reached a goal that I've been looking forward to for weeks. To celebrate I could have indulged in potato chips, made myself a lavish dinner or even gone out and bought something, but I didn't. I came home and tried on every piece of clothing I still have in the house that was too small for me months ago. Some of these things still have their tags and one was my high school prom dress. Only four things still don't fit as well as I'd like them to: my prom dress doesn't have breathing room, a skirt I fell in love with doesn't zip, a business dress is too tight around the hips and the goal bathing suit still doesn't look right.

The goal bathing suit is an initial goal- I want to be in it at the beginning of the summer... There's another I have in mind that's more ambitious. It's Marilyn Monroe in royal blue. It's scrumptious and I've never owned nor worn anything like it in my life. I've made it my goal for labor day or before. I also made it into a reward and check point: anytime I really want potato chips I have to put the amount that a bag of my favorite chips would cost into a cup in the kitchen. It already has 13 dollars in it. That way 1, I don't have the cash for those chips on hand and 2, when time comes, I'll have the cash for a stellar suit.

peanut butter and potato chips

It's been a stressful week. The vacation surge of everything wonderful that could possibly be in the world came crashing down abruptly this week.

I could give you the laundry list of terrible things, irritating things and things that shouldn't be things as excuses, but I'd rather spare us the stress and just suffice it to say that I had a horrible week eating. No animals were involved, but I'm pretty sure I spent more on potato chips than I did at the co-op and that wasn't smart of me.

I feel it too, this large step backwards that I've decided to take. I'm bloated, I'm cranky and though the clothing that now fits me continues to fit well, it's as though my face even feels fatter.
I've crawled into some habits that have never served me well, expecting that feeling in control would somehow make this situation feel better, but it's not.

It's funny (ironic, not haha) how when you do something that you know that you shouldn't, sometimes you'll do something else to try and control it or cover it up, rather than realizing that it's a problem and eliminating it.

I know that I have a problem with several trigger foods: potato chips, crackers, pizza and almost any type of sweet imaginable. I also know that I feel awful when I eat dairy, meat, eggs, gluten and soy. I think these foods for me are just like those toxic people in life- there's no reason to try and moderate them... you just have to cut them out of your life.

So, I'm saying 'bye bye' to them tonight and hello to all of the wonderful and delicious fruits and veggies at my disposal.
I'm looking forward to some sumptuous Nori Maki, Broccoli, carrot and beet salad, Beet, carrot, diakon and sea veggie salad, and Green herb soup before heading to my conferences later this week.

Enamorada

I am in love.
If you didn't know that I was in Spain before, let me tell you I arrived in Barcelona this afternoon and after figuring out the far too sophisticated lighting system in my tiny yet incredibly well situated hotel room, I caught up on my email and found the nearest vegetarian restaurant.

Madrid doesn't have veggie restaurants (not that my hometown does)- I had to negotiate with the waiters in half of the restaurants to convince them that I really did just want salad. Here I've found half a dozen through different websites and I'm going to see how many I can stop into.

The reason I'm so in love right now is multifaceted. Look at the pics and then I'll explain.

The food looked better than it tasted. There was no spice palette. But the ambiance made the under ten euro meal more than a value. The lights were subdued with mismatching shades over each table and the saffron and almond painted brick walls were adorned with contemporary interpretations of Gaudi's work. It's fun to look at your surroundings and get goosebumps.

The joy of traveling

I am grateful for so many things in this world; many of which I completely took for granted before:

Being born when and where I was. I may not have loved it all of the time, but I was cared for and had opportunities that I was truly blessed by.

Learning what I have learned and traveling where I've gone. I haven't always realized how amazing it was while I was on the journey, but it brought me here and here is a happening place.

The joy of all of this is that I'm in Madrid visiting my host family from when I was a student here in college. My host mom is a wonderful person, but has her own opinions on food and health. Luckily she respects my views and we meet on a lot of the same issues: the quality of meat and additives, the treatment of animals, the health benefits of a good diet. I felt guilty telling her and explaining my dietary restrictions, especially since she likes to cook for me, but she's been amazing. She made me this great veggie soup and fabulous salad and brought me out to dinner the night before last to a place that had more than just salads for the vegan palate. It was roasted vegetables, but I fully enjoyed it.

The only minor irritation in this otherwise fabulous trip is the need felt by my friends here to "town crier" my dietary habits to everyone they talk to. I don't like being a conversation piece.
That and I miss my green smoothies and my kitchen- though the lentils with paprika I had today were delicious.

Something new

I've needed change, but fortunately a part of me realizes that change comes in baby steps and not all at once- Kris Carr mentioned in a recent interview that 78% of New Year's resolutions fail because people come in with an all or nothing attitude.

What I've done right is taking my dietary changes step by step... Vegan was established before I got rid of gluten and then soy. Weight has been dropping. I'm down 24 pounds in approx 8 weeks, but I've had more potato chips in the past two weeks than I've had in the past three years I've lived in my house.

So, here's the next change- all raw and all natural. I've chucked the non-natural make up and done a re-haul in the bathroom and kitchen. I'm going for it.

I was overwhelmed with it today- I felt like potato chips and dwelling on something that needed some of my attention and I gave it too much attention because I was nervous and I was avoiding going to Albany and doing the food prep I needed to for tomorrow.

Truth of the matter was that I felt overwhelmed. I had a fridge full of food and a list of multi ingredient recipes that gave me nightmare flashbacks to the brendan brazier book and spending hours in the kitchen to make one recipe (incredibly delicious recipe, but still- I have a lot more to do besides slaving over the blender and salad shooter). I felt resentful towards these recipes and the people who gave them to me- "don't they know how busy I am? Don't they know that most of us have jobs and bills and laundry?" I didn't get into the kitchen until 10:51, but by 12:30 I had three meals made, dishes done and not only planned the following three days of meals, but rearranged my refrigerator so that the ingredients for each day are grouped.

I was stoked. I came upstairs, hung laundry, changed sheets and caught up on some things I've been meaning to listen to. It's late, but I feel far better than I did four hours ago.

It really does boil down to just making ourselves do the things we fear or dread rather than waiting to feel like it.