Restart

I have no qualms with calling it. It has been a crappy summer and while I am 6 pounds down from my summer high, I'm still 8 pounds up from my lowest.

I have a love-hate relationship with summer. I make enormous goals to hit by the end of the summer taking 0 consideration for the fact that all I really need is a break and a breather. I spent this summer spazzing out about my proposal for my PhD when I wasn't working on it, worrying about the feelings and thoughts of men who couldn't give me what I needed, badgering myself with shoulds and castigating myself for past mistakes, and trying to cope with all of it with gluten, sugar, potato chips and garbage, including twitter binges. My detox had a few pretty days, but by and large, it failed to take off.

As cheesy as this sounds, fall is a time of new beginnings. School is starting. The weather is getting breathe-able. Back to stress, but also back to structure. I need to recommit to my health goals. Here's what I want for September:

1. Pumpkin clause

2. Yoga and one fun form of exercise a day.

3. Adios prepackaged, alcohol, & baked goods

4. Hello veggies, lean proteins, whole grains and some fruit 

5. Adios bingeing

6. Hello contemplative eating and better coping mechanisms

7. Adios social media. Using it for what I need with grad school and that's going to be it.

I know we've had this conversation before and how it's ended, but this is my life and I'll be done trying when I'm done breathing.

Day 28-29 stretching my legs & curling up

I think that if anything has a shot at saving me from my demons it's yoga, biking and mindful movement in general. My dedication to them is tantamount in their effectiveness, which is where we run into the ugly from time to time. Yesterday was my first non-yoga day in weeks and you saw the results. The victims or participants in last night's nasty binge are still chilling on the kitchen counter and I'm going to have to find the strength to go down there and make some tea without eating them. I probably should throw them out. It reminds me of having to come face to face at breakfast with someone you were in the throes of passion with the night before but you really aren't sure of. Awkward not sure what to say or how to make eye contact. I really really dislike my food issues.

They wound up with a home in my belly and I felt like garbage most of yesterday. Coping with all of this stress right now is hurting. A lot.

Today I had a lot of grapes with feta cheese.

Homemade spring rolls:

Chopped Bok Choy, Napa, ginger, cilantro and sprouts sautéed in sesame oil and oyster sauce and rolled in rice wrappers. So good.

I made chicken wings tonight.

Trying to work through crappy feeling and being blocked with Audrey Hepburn movies and tea. Breathing a lot.

August 22-24 days 25-27

Thursday went off without a hitch despite zero sleep on Wednesday night.

I had a date and we did hot pot together.

We also had cucumber melon salad, spring rolls and meringues for desert. The spring rolls weren't my best work, but tasty day all in all.

I felt off yesterday. 

I was nervous about grad work and the guy I saw Thursday night and got bingey on the left over meringues. I finished the cucumber melon salad, did hot pot and rice for dinner and then had a bag of pretzels. It was my first bad binge in a couple of weeks. I took a tea to counteract and I've been home with a stomach ache so far today.

Today I've had tea, kombucha, rice protein and honey for breakfast. Looking at a spinach and melon smoothie and cucumber salad for lunch. Spending the afternoon figuring out my literature review and basking in this gorgeous sun.

Felt super unfocused this afternoon and evening. Went to a fire at a friend's house and had a couple of drinks.

And the stress of not having grad work done caught up with me tonight. These eating issues have been ugly the past two nights. Took something to counter again and I'm hoping it's less painful than yesterday. I've got to get through this in a more refined fashion.

22-24 ice cream?

Monday:

Detox tea

Chinese for lunch. Egg roll, wonton soup, chicken with broccoli, steak with peppers, almond shrimp.

Mom's for dinner. Tilapia on the grill, cucumbers and tomatoes, rice, and watermelon. Turkey, honey and chia seeds for a snack.

Tuesday:

Detox tea

Didn't eat until late. Protein and honey shake. Pizza and salad.  Fruit, honey and flax seeds for dessert.

Wednesday:

Detox tea

Ice cream: 1 cup of soft serve raspberry with butterscotch dip.

Rotisserie chicken.

Apple

Baby cone of vanilla with rainbow sprinkles- Mom's treat

Kombucha 

Honey and chia

Still within my calories for the day!

Big smile day 21

It was a yum albeit imperfect weekend and I'm good with that.

Saturday I took a long walk and then had this for breakfast. Celery salad with chicken and grapefruit, detox tea and rice protein with honey.

In the evening I had the leftover spicy zucchini and greens with some oyster sauce and sesame oil.

It was my littlest cousin's birthday party. I had some pizza, candy, cheesecake and ice cream. It was good and I'd planned for it calorie wise, but my stomach didn't love it.

I had something relaxing to celebrate, so my best friend and I headed out for a few beers. It was the best way I could think of to end a fantastic day.

Today:

Nana cooked and I ate. I did about a cup of this amazing pasta.

She also prepared beets with onion, oil, salt, pepper and oregano. So good.

For dinner I did an omelette and some green beans. I made a tahini, lemon and ginger dressing for the beans: it was very pleasant.

Perspective

Today was a really hungry day. Some of it was stress and irritation: I have three things I can't seem to get a handle on and a handful of obligations over the next couple of weeks that are making me a firm believer in the adage 'I have so much to do today I'll have to meditate twice as long.'

I had rice protein with honey for late breakfast.

Didn't feel like lunch... Ran three errands and spent some time with work issues and my second chapter for grad school. Followed it up with a fourth errand and had to do some quick baking before heading to a barbecue.

I was too hungry after errands and wound up eating a lot of a rotisserie chicken. I had some of the cookie dough I made and one made cookie.

Headed to the BBQ and had a hot dog, some veggies and two small pieces of skewered steak.

Back at home I was hungry again and had more chicken.  I don't know if it's stress, hormones or exhaustion.  I was still perfectly within my calories...

May have some tea with fennel and honey with flax to get a handle on this before bed. Feeling a little blah.

A holiday: day 18

Phenomenally gorgeous day.

Took a 'mental health' day from grad school (my advisor is traveling and hasn't gotten back to me with edits yet) and decided to fill it with some yard work and whatever else I wanted to do.

After yoga, I had my tea and some kombucha in the backyard. I spent over an hour relaxing and reading a magazine. I think juniper kombucha is probably my second favorite after basil right now.

I bottled up some new kombucha: basil, ginger, and clove, cardamom and allspice.

Breakfast was super good:

It came out relatively pretty. Zucchini, mustard greens and onion omelette.

I headed to our local coop after mowing the lawn. Today wasn't only a break from grad work, it was also a break from the car. I biked there and back. It was a challenging 16 with hills and traffic. Highway biking is still a little unnerving to me.

View from the road.

When I got home I was pretty well spent and wanted to get some protein in me as quickly as possible. I was also craving salty fish. Solution: rice protein with honey and a can of sardines. Yes, the 1930s called me and said they want their snack back.

Gardened and came in for big dinner: left over rice and spicy zucchini, mushrooms and mustard greens with some sesame oil and oyster sauce. Making me crave hot pot... Soon, very soon.

Dessert was chia and honey. Super satisfying day.

Dill-icous: day 17

I am exhausted and the house smells like dill. Today was a full day. I'm not thrilled about everything that happened today, but I am thrilled about the food choices... Exhausted, but full.

I woke up super early- pumpkin clause worked like a charm. I did some yoga, core and cardio. Breakfast was left over ugly eggs and arugula and cucumber salad with raisins and pumpkin seeds and balsamic vinegar.

Dinner was a little project in creativity. I wanted spicy veggies over rice...

I pulled out the dried chilies, cardamom pods, cumin, coriander, peppercorns and some ginger.

Added veggies and some mushrooms.

I had my first course while the veggies softened: arugula, grapes, almonds and hemp seeds with sesame oil and broccoli  with ginger people cooking sauce.

Main course: put some rice vinegar and sesame seed salt containing dulse in the rice. So delicious...

Made some honey glow spears and some dill pickles.

Finished off with flax and honey.

What a day! Day 16

Continued with the detox this am. Tea and water, tea and water.

Had a huge gorgeous meal when I got home. Had cooked the beans yesterday, so the whole meal took me 25 minutes.

Broccoli with Ginger People sauce, 'ugly eggs' with garden zucchini, mustard greens and onion, cannellini beans with mustard greens and onion and a garden arugula based salad with cucumber, raisins, sunflower seeds and Italian dressing. My eyes were definitely bigger than my stomach.

I'm working on another round of pickles. Thinking some spicy dill spears and some honey glow spears this round.

For dessert: pear and apple compote with prunes. So yummy! And of course, some honey and chia seeds.

Amazing discovery of the day:

Anti itch oil! The mosquitoes are in league with the furry munchers attacking my garden. They came after me something fierce when I reinforced the netting. I have a special sensitivity to bites, so this morning I googled remedies and came up with my own hybrid. This recipe covered me knee to ankle on both legs.

10 drops each

Jojoba oil

Peppermint essential oil

Lavender essential oil

& eucalyptus essential oil.

Mix in small container and apply with a cotton ball to itchy area/ directly to bites. Great smell and no itching for hours.

Day 15- more cleansing

Good day all around. Nothing attacked the garden last night, but I found a fur ball near the squash outside of the garden this afternoon.

Do you see how the netting is now tethered to the bean poles?

I had a few grapes, detox tea and kombucha throughout the day.

Dinner was made for me: roast beef and green beans. There was pie, mashed potatoes and rolls, but I stuck to my plan. Had grapes for dessert.

Snack tonight: flax, honey and spices and some hot water to go with a little light reading.

Perfecto: Day 14

Did a complete detox day today and considering I had 4 hours of sleep this morning and an enormous to do list, I'm proud of myself for following through.

Had detox tea this morning, followed up by hot water, room temp water and raspberry oolong tea at the Starbucks I was working at (thanks for the gift card M&D). I chewed gum the whole time- chewing really seems to help me focus... That and Mumford & Sons. I have to use anything that's working right now to keep this momentum going.

I promised myself that I would visit my Nan, take care of some anniversary party details with Mom, do 3 hours worth of work and take a massive bike ride today. Did them all. Set timers and kicked butt. While the bike ride wasn't as massive as originally intended, I made the second best mile time I've made this year... And when you get to watch the Golden Girls while getting the play by play from your grandmother, all is enjoyable in the world.

Pic from the ride.

I came home this evening and had to fortify the garden 'fence'. Something ate six Roma tomatoes last night, gnawed off a good deal of stem on both of my bigger tomato plants and cleared half of my beans. I'm not sure what it was because deer generally indulge in the faux pa of sh#tting where they eat and I didn't find any presents- just something definitely 'marked territory' by the peppers. I declared it an attack. This is my garden not the wild world's salad bar. And so I'm on the defensive. This war is ugly: I had to use old stockings, twist ties and some string to try and close off the garden from four footed freeloaders. I'll have a better picture tomorrow to you can see how ridiculous this is.

I also picked a bunch of greens: Bok Choy, arugula and mustard greens to 1, keep them from the enemy and 2, make a few dishes. I'm feeling beans and greens soup, some salad with almonds, dried fruit and balsamic, maybe some saag... Ok, I'm salivating, definitely bed time.

Ugly. Day 13

I bought ice cream last night... When will I learn? I went for Oreo Klondike bars; they were on sale and looked tasty. I told myself that I would only have one last night and that I would behave myself with them. I was half right.

Breakfast:

Eggs, left over cellophane noodles and... Ice cream.

Lunch: ice cream binge- those Klondike bars are gone.

1st dinner: pretzel binge

2nd dinner: small garlic pizza.

Eating disorders are ugly. I don't know how in depth we've gotten into mine nor how deeply I care to go. Judging by the posts this weeks it would be really easy to self flagellate for a lack of self control. Thing is, 1, discipline doesn't become a practice over night & 2, this is more than me just pigging out. This is me changing multiple sets of unhealthy behaviors around food that have been with me since I was tiny.

Will dust myself off and try again tomorrow.

Day 12

Today was a little hectic, but delicious. I'm liking making one quick meal with fresh veggies and being out of the kitchen (clean up and eating included) in less than an hour and a half. Sleep eluded me until this morning and I got up late and then rushed through most of my Thursday cleaning because of how busy the rest of the week has been. I didn't have a chance to sit down for a meal, so rice protein powder mixed with honey and water and a few prunes tided me over until I started cooking dinner.

This was my snack while I was cooking. I know, I know pretzels, but notice, they're portioned out. They went amazingly well with the ginger people sauce, then again, nearly everything to be dipped goes well with that sauce. Pure tastiness.

 

Bean thread noodles are fast becoming a favorite. Ten minutes in warm water and they're done. The consistency is close enough to angel hair pasta to make me so happy.

I had a poblano and some chard from the garden that needed to be used up, so I did a simple greens: vidalia onion and poblano cooked in some olive oil, threw in the chard and kale and half a bouillon cube with water. I simmered a little to long, but this was dinner:

I am looking to go out for dessert and may indulge in dairy if I can find something that fits into the calories I have left for today.

Days 9 through 11

Tuesday wasn't pretty. I had a major piece of my proposal and two meetings over Tuesday and Wednesday, so I retreated into a bag of pretzel cheese sandwiches and chex mix. Weight was up about 3 pounds this week, so I realized it was time to cut the shenanigans.

Wednesday I had a meeting in Albany, so I went to my favorite sushi place and ran into one of my friends there. Besides sushi lunch, I had a ginger/ honey drink, grapes and prunes. Perfect day.

Today:

Brunch was two eggs and a tomato and cucumber salad with Italian dressing.

Dinner was bean thread noodles with egg, beans, snap peas and a Thai sauce.

Dessert was a pop tart. I know, not perfect, but within my daily calories. Woo.